At Clean Slate Clinic, we know recovery doesn’t belong to one person - it’s a journey that touches everyone around them. That’s why we spoke with Amanda Lockyer, addiction relationship coach and founder of Addiction Makes Three, where she helps partners and families of people with AOD dependence set healthy boundaries and rebuild self-worth. In our conversation, Amanda shared how clear boundaries can protect relationships, restore dignity, and ease the guilt that so often accompanies caring for someone in recovery.

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Amanda describes the emotional weight many partners carry as “confusion wrapped in love.” Most people, she says, are desperate to help but unsure how. “They don’t know what’s helpful or what’s unhelpful. There’s grief for the life their loved one isn’t living - and grief for themselves, too. But there’s still hope.”

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That hope often fuels what she calls rescue mode - the belief that you can fix what’s broken if you just try hard enough. From the outside, it feels like love in action; in reality, it becomes a cycle of exhaustion and control. When partners start rearranging their lives around someone else’s drinking, they slowly disconnect from themselves.

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Signs you may be losing yourself

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Amanda identifies several key indicators that you may be losing yourself in someone else's journey:

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• Stepping back from connection
  Withdrawing from friendships, hobbies, and activities that bring you joy

• Making yourself negotiable
  Skipping meals, abandoning exercise routines, or neglecting morning walks

• ‍Mental preoccupation
  Their struggles become your first thought upon waking and last thought before sleep

• ‍Identity erosion
  Struggling to answer simple questions about your own preferences and needs

Recognising these patterns early creates space for change before exhaustion and isolation take hold.

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Reclaiming your sense of self is the foundation for any healthy boundary. “You need to know who you are and what you stand for,” Amanda says. Many partners and family members lose this clarity in the chaos of addiction. Reconnection begins by returning to your core values, and using them as a compass for daily choices.

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Boundaries, she explains, are not walls but bridges: an expression of self-respect that keeps connection possible. “A boundary says, ‘I love you - and this is how I love me too,’” she explains. Far from being cruel, boundaries are what make genuine support sustainable.

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Setting boundaries can start small. You might decide not to answer phone calls late at night, or choose not to lend money while still offering to share a meal. The goal isn’t to punish your loved one - it’s to protect your peace.

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The discomfort that often follows is normal. Guilt and fear tend to surface when you begin prioritising yourself after years of putting someone else first. But this isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong - it’s a sign you’re learning a healthier pattern.

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Letting go of control is equally freeing. “Control is an illusion,” Amanda says. “It comes from love, but it only fuels anxiety. What you have is influence - and influence is far more powerful.”

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When partners and family members focus on their own wellbeing, they model the stability that recovery requires. Noticing and reinforcing small positive moments - a dinner shared, a conversation that ends kindly - helps rebuild trust. “Connection is the opposite of addiction,” she adds. “Those small moments matter.”

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Practical tools to regain balance

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1. ‍The litmus test for daily decisions
   Each night, ask yourself: Can I go to bed at peace with the choices I made today? If yes, they were the right choices for that day. Tomorrow, you can make new ones. This simple reflection shifts focus from perfection to progress.
2. ‍The square-inch of paper
   “Everyone has opinions - like noses,” Amanda laughs. Write the names of the few people whose opinions truly matter to you on a square-inch piece of paper. Put your own name at the top. When doubt creeps in about a boundary or decision, return to that list. If someone’s not on it, their opinion doesn’t belong in the conversation.‍
3. Values as a lens
   Reclaiming your sense of self starts with clarity on what you stand for - such as; kindness, integrity, calm, respect. Use those values as your filter for decisions. When choices align with your values, guilt softens because your actions reflect who you truly are.
4. ‍Preparing for hard conversations
   When boundaries need to be expressed, plan ahead. Focus on one issue at a time, lead with ‘I feel’ statements, and choose a calm moment to talk. “The power of the pause can save a relationship,” Amanda says. Take a breath - and if things become heated, step back rather than push through.

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The key is to start small and build momentum. “Make one promise to yourself and keep it,” Amanda suggests. “Eat three meals a day, go for a walk twice a week, meet a friend for coffee. Every time you keep a promise to yourself, you remind your brain that you matter too.”

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This simple practice can help restore self-trust - something often eroded in the chaos of addiction. It’s also a gentle antidote to guilt. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean abandoning your loved one; it means ensuring you have the strength to support them when it counts. “You’re in crisis too,” Amanda reminds partners. “You deserve support just as much as your loved one.”

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It’s a simple philosophy, but one that can transform families. “Partners and family members are struggling in silence behind closed doors,” Amanda reflects. “We feel forgotten. But when we start caring for ourselves again, we lead the way for change - in ourselves, our families, and our loved ones.”

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Learn more about Amanda’s work at Addiction Makes Three.

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Explore Clean Slate’s support person resources designed specifically for partners and family members navigating a loved one's recovery journey.